I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution; at least not one I can remember. But for some reason, this year I made three.
And I didn’t even consciously plan to. About four days ago, I just came up with a few things that I wanted to start being better about in 2014. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out why this year was so different than every year before it.
I think it’s a combination of things. First, I had a rough year. I’ve never been great with this living-in-another-state deal, but this year it really hit me hard. It didn’t help that I made the mistake of not visiting my family for nearly five months, which led to a minor depression that thankfully was remedied by a spontaneous trip back to the Midwest a couple weeks before Thanksgiving.
Second, and most importantly, I think I’m at a point in my life where I know that I need to grow up and take better care of myself. Whenever I get sick, instead of taking medicine to get better, I just kind of wallow and stay sick far longer than I should. It was my turn to do the dishes a couple weeks ago and I wanted to get them done before my husband and I left to visit family for the holidays, yet the day before we left, I sat around watching TV and not packing. Thus, when we came back, I still had the dishes to do. And at this very moment, I have needed to do laundry for several weeks. I currently have no sports socks or jeans clean, and I only have a few pairs of underwear and one bra that are not dirty. Seriously, this is my life. I probably shouldn’t admit that to the entire internet, but it’s true. Thankfully, I’m not like this all the time (or else I would never accomplish anything). I just sometimes go through phases of not wanting to be a responsible adult.
In retrospect, all three of my resolutions have something to do with taking better care of myself:
(1) Write at least a page (in Microsoft Word, double-spaced) of my thoughts every day, whether it’s just a journal entry or a blog post. I love to write. It always calms me down when I’m stressed out. It betters my mind and my spirit. Yet I sit on blog posts for weeks or ignore my laptop for days because, for some reason, when I get in a funk, I avoid doing things that will get me out of it. Because I like wallowing. Because I’m basically still a child. Even though I’m almost 26 years old.
(2) Do my hip exercises every day and my lower back exercises at least three times a week. I have loose SI joints. This basically means that my hip joints are weak and move around on their own, causing acute lower back pain on a pretty regular basis. I’ve been dealing with this for over a year and I always just referred to it as my hips being out of place. I finally went and saw a physical therapist about three months ago and she explained that it was actually my SI joints, not my whole hip (if my hip was out of place, she informed me, I wouldn’t be able to walk), and she gave me exercises I could do to strengthen the joints. And they worked! Really well! And so I stopped doing them after a few weeks. Because I refuse to be an adult.
(3) Wear contacts to work at least twice a week. Busy season is coming up and last year, I wore my glasses nearly every day of busy season. I claimed it was because the extra hours caused eye strain and it was easier to deal with if I didn’t wear contacts, but really, it was because I’m lazy. Because if I wear contacts, I have to make sure my eyebrows are plucked, and put on makeup, and actually look at myself in the mirror and admit that my face is fatter than it used to be. But if I wear glasses, I can disregard all of that. It’s my way of hiding, both from others and myself. Every day that I wear contacts and actually put an effort into my looks, I feel better about myself. So I mostly wear my glasses to work. Because, again, I go out of my way to not feel good.
I’ve been this way on and off for most of my adult life. I’m a procrastinator by nature, and that carries over into every part of my life, meaning that if I don’t need to make myself feel better right away, I don’t. And I’ve apparently never really been bothered or worried about that until this year. So what’s different?
Ok blog world, I’m going to let you in on a secret that NO ONE ELSE EXCEPT MY HUSBAND KNOWS. Although, no one except my husband and a couple friends even know I have this blog, so I’m guessing this next secret will probably be kept quiet. Ok here goes: my husband and I are talking about starting a family. We haven’t told anyone yet because, given my family history, there’s a good chance that it could take me a while to get pregnant, and I didn’t want to tell people we were trying and then not get pregnant for two years. Also, I’m a carrier for a rare disease and we don’t know yet whether my husband is also a carrier. If he is a carrier, then we may have a child that needs a liver transplant…like my niece did…at seven months old. I don’t want to jinx anything by telling people about our potential pregnancy…although apparently I’m comfortable telling the entire blogosphere. But let’s be honest, no one reads this anyway, so I’m really not too concerned here.
Anyway, I think that talking about having a kid has made me realize that I sometimes don’t even take care of MYSELF and that something needs to change before I have to take care of someone else. And this was all subconsciously in my mind until I randomly made resolutions and then retrospectively figured out what my mind was preparing for.
So I am wondering about two things from all of you (or the three of you that sometimes peruse this blog):
First, do you make resolutions? If so, what do they usually involve, and why do you make them?
Second, to all the parents out there, did you ever (or do you still) feel like you are not enough of an adult to raise a child? I love children and I know I want them and in most aspects of my life, I’m incredibly responsible (I know this post may make you question that, but I promise, I mostly have things together here). Yet I still worry that I’m not going to be able to do it. I worry about postpartum depression and feeling overwhelmed with responsibility and just wallowing, like I do now.
Lastly, happy new year to everyone. I’m sorry for the serious tone this post has taken. My next post will hopefully be more lighthearted; I guess the new year just brings out this side of me.